Relational Aggression
" If you hang out with her, we are SO not friends anymore."
"Don't let Molly sit at our table today."
"Your outfit is ugly... just kidding."
Eye rolls..... back turns,.......whispers,............gossips,..............name-calling.
The above are all examples of relational aggression. Unfortunately it is occurring all too often in our schools and doing more damage than ever before, especially since cell phones, text messaging and Internet usage has become so common among our children.
Lets take a look at the What? and Why? of Relational Aggression or Girl Bullying.
What?
Bullying is repeated behavior intended to harm or hurt someone physically, emotionally, or socially and typically involves an imbalance or perceived imbalance of power. Girl Bullying can be either Direct Bullying or Indirect Bullying. Relational Aggression is used to describe bullying in the girl world. It uses aggressive or hurtful behavior to harm someone by damaging or manipulating his or her relationships with others. The purpose is to socially exclude or damage a person's reputation or status within the peer group.
Direct Bullying: open and aggressive such as shoving, pushing, threatening, "in your face" type bullying.
Indirect Bullying: hidden, "behind your back" type of bullying that includes such behaviors as exclusions, hurtful teasing, gossips, rumors, bossing, controlling, manipulation, and intimidation. Indirect is much more typical of girls.
Why?
Research has shown that the girl bullying/relational aggression behavior appears to be motivated by underlying fear and insecurity. The aggressor may be insecure and worried about remaining "on top" so she uses manipulation and control of others. The victim often times lacks the confidence and courage to stand up to the aggressor, and so accepts the poor treatment. The bystander many times, also lacks the confidence to stand up and will even covertly join the aggressor so that they will not be targeted. It can turn into a vicious circle. Since we do know this information there are steps that we can take as educators and parents to assist and help girls see the damage they are causing.
How to help as a parent:
Know that you have a better understanding of what all this means. Let's take a look at how you can help at home.
When my daughter has Bullying Behavior: How to Help
When a child does something wrong, intervene with discipline not punishment. Have your child take ownership of the problem and solve the problem.
Create opportunities to catch your child doing something good. Encourage them to become active in their church or help involve them in volunteer activities.
Stress the importance of EMPATHY. Putting themselves in another person's shoes, and actually feeling those emotions. Have conversations about this and encourage dialogue.
Teach friendship skills. Children need to understand how to relate to others by being assertive and respectful. Talk to your daughter about what she values in a friend and remind her that she needs to reflect that in her actions.
Very closely monitor computer usage and cell phones. Also take notice of what type of music or TV shows she is watching... could this be influencing her current behavior and choices? Children are very impressionable at this age!!
Involve your daughter in healthy activities that are going to nurture her self-esteem and confidence. Look into local Girl Scout chapters, sports, clubs at school.
Encourage your child to make the right choice and do the right thing.
Rumors: How to Recognize and Refuse to Participate
We know as adults part of a friendship involves talking, sharing, catching up... however many times this can turn into talking about someone in a negative manner and passing this information on. It can be extremely tempting for your daughter to engage in this type of activity. Take time to discuss with your child the damage that rumors can cause. Use the following rule: Is it true? Is it kind? If the answer is "no" to either question - don't repeat it!!
When my daughter is a target/victim of girl bullying:
This can be extremely challenging for parents because Mama or Papa Bear instincts set in and you want to protect. It is important to remain calm and be in control of your own emotions, model positive coping skills. Be careful not to take over and try to solve your child's problems, this sends the message they are not strong enough to handle the situation. Below are helpful strategies:
Be a good listener. Be completely tuned in to what your child is saying.
Ask questions that invite more information to be shared, "What happened next?"
Listen to the whole story, and reflect back to her what you are hearing.
Give a hug
Don't over-empathize. Empower her!! Compliment her on her abilities, and how she handled the situation.
Role play with her assertion skills... Help her rehearse how to handle the situation if it should happen again.
It is important as a parent to allow your daughter to resolve it on her own if it is an isolated situation. However, if is occurring on a continuous basis contact the school.
Suggested Books:
Girl Wars by Cheryl Dellasega and Charise Nixon
Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons
Mean Chicks, Cliques, and Dirty Tricks by Erika Karres
Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman
The Bully, Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
Please Stop Laughing at Me.. by Jodee Blanco
See Jane Hit by James Garbarino
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This site was last updated on: Wednesday, January 02, 2008 02:41 PM